Hold

There’s an insatiable hunger that food can never dull. It lives in the deepest crevice of your heart, and contorts your dreams till you’re sick. Feed it too much and the hunger spreads. Feed it too little and it’ll eat its way out. Feed it nothing – now that’s the trick.

Like a dog whose attention spans the world all at once, let the sky’s breath ruffle your hair. Stand under the sun till you ignite. Hold your mother’s hand.

Ignore the growl in your core till it turns into rhythm, a silk beat to walk in time to as you spread yourself thinner and thinner into dust because when you cease being wants, craves, and burns,

you’re cosmic.

Surface Tension

He held me on the sidewalk while bodies passed, dodging us like we were delicate birds in the middle of the road.

I stained his jacket like the rain looming above our heads threatened to stain the city.

We had been here before. Me grieving a loss of something I’d never had. Him towering over me like a building I could lock myself inside.

I used to think he waded in shallow waters while I sunk into the deep. I pictured his long tranquil body at the surface, a halo of sun emanating over the sea. I couldn’t reach it.

In the car I mourned the loss of nothing and felt myself sink. He held my hand just in time to keep me afloat. We locked eyes and fingers, igniting a forcefield to keep the world out.

Driving through the clutter, we escaped the muck that pressed onto our skin – mine always stickier than his it seemed.

When we were free I kissed him so he could feel the light he had left inside me.

It was then I knew we’d find our way together

through the rain,

the sea,

and up towards the sun.

Wasting Away

If only I could puke me out.

When I was done carving out my insides

I’d watch the ugly colorless excrement squirm on the floor.

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No need to kill it.

It’ll just die starving, waiting for nourishment like a newborn

– reaching out for hands.

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We’re all put off by our own vomit,

so I turn my back on it

because I’m clean now. I am.

______________________________________________________________________________

But wait,

a familiar acidic sting touches the back of my throat

– runs its fingers down my tongue.

______________________________________________________________________________

When I turn around the waste is standing behind me.

“Is something wrong?” it asks

– a foul smile forming on its face.

______________________________________________________________________________

And before I can answer I’m puking again.

My blood vessels burst all at once like a firecracker

And the lights go out for me too.

Slowing Down

Thoughts written on the back of specials menus during a late night serving shift

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It shouldn’t be lonely to be alone. Resilience is knowing this,                      living without relying.                                  Something I couldn’t fathom as a child when all my loved ones were drinking from a fountain of eternal youth and I was certain I’d be great.

How much can a person’s light fade before they disappear?

I keep turning onto dead ends, which is to be expected when you have no sense of direction. I dreamt I found my starting point. Feeling the sweet rush of a challenge suited for me, I embraced it like an old friend. I woke up with a dull pain in my chest. It’s been hard to b r e a   t h e.  Now I draw in tentative breaths that move as slow as I do.

 

 

 

 

 

Luminescence

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I don’t believe in God, but sometimes I talk to the Moon.

If I’m alone and listen carefully, it whispers to me.

I usually begin with a question.

“Am I going to be okay?”

You’ll see, with time.

Deep breath in

“But will I be happy?”

I hope so.

Exhale

Never a concrete answer

At least I’m left recharged.

 

The Moon walks me to the next destination,

Watching over me while guarding all the secrets of the Universe.

 

We rarely speak.

You see, the Moon can’t reveal all it knows.

I try to understand.

I don’t like to overstep my bounds, but sometimes I cave.

After a night of heavy drinking, I curse at the sky.

“Show me the fucking way! Please?”

Relax. You know I can’t.

“Fine.”

Did you have fun tonight?

“Yeah I guess. I met some cool people”.

Good.

 

We’re better off when we don’t talk.

I’ll bring a glass of red wine, my journal, and a blanket up to the roof.

I find the Moon among the stars and smile,

Feel the pulse of its glow on my skin and in my heart.

I settle into the comfort of this silent greeting,

Sit deep within the cool glow

As it feeds me new ideas.

I descend into a flurry of dreams like a child.

 

The Moon’s gaze is often turned away from me too.

Its familiar glow bestowed upon someone else.

I’m a small fragment of something infinite

And that is truly enough.

Even without all the answers,

I feel full.

Ode to Rose

I pull back my hair with your raisin clip

as you waltz in and out of rooms

Only you can paint with olive oil on Sunday morning

“Can I help with anything?”

 

Fine sesame hair, freckled skin that smells like sunrise

Your broken nail clings to my hair during braiding time

It’s only 7 am, but fresh bread’s on the table

Time for school

 

You waltz in and out of your island

I stick to you like honey when it’s time to go

That royal perfume always stains my dress

So I keep you close

 

I pull back my hair with your raisin clip

My reflection looks like you

It reminds me to stand up and carry on

Because there’s always more to do

Kitty

I spent my first five dollar bill on you.

I held your striped paw in one hand and gripped Papa’s calloused finger in the other.

Sometimes you were “she”, sometimes “he”, “it” even.

I named you Ashley for a day after watching an Olsen twins film. That didn’t suit you at all.

Sorry for smothering you.

Sorry about all the snot and tears that live inside your fur.

Samantha tossed you back and forth in the yard with a friend. I was the monkey in the middle. Your left eye came off, rolled past me on the cement path. I brought you home and cried into your ears.

Mama sewed you up like new.

Grandma gave you a bath in the underwater Ferris wheel and lavender filled my dreams.

Sometimes I swear you spoke to me, hugged me back as I held you.

I thought you could see me.

You’re tucked away behind a pile of clothes on a shelf in my old room. I don’t live there anymore.

Are you mad at me?

That matters somehow.

I’d still save you first from the fire.

 

 

*refer to my Kitty essay for more context*